Thursday, November 24, 2016

First World Problems / Pet Peeves

The title seems kind of self-explanatory to me.
There has been more than one moment when I have heard myself say or think something and then immediately hears myself say/think "God, First World Pet Peeves much?"
The struggle is real.

To better convey the deep seeded displeasure I have with these mild inconveniences, I have brought in the support of my good buddies - 'gifs' (pronounced JUH-iffs... like... Jiffy peanut butter without the "y" at the end. Not Gifs pronounced like you're trying to make a cartoonish and comedic swallow noise. Get it together.).

1. Black Friday Sales.... In Store Only!
Some of us are shut ins and/or live in super rural locations and/or work like 80hrs a week and ain't got no time for stores, or people, or driving, or movement in general. Like come on. Why would you make me put on pants and pre-plan my purchasing binges? Nope.

2. Commercials on Youtube that you can't Click to Skip
This goes for Spotify commercials too. 
If I can't click past you, you better guarantee your company just made the list of 'shit I will never buy simply on principle and curmudgeon-mindset alone. I'm looking at you, Ford vehicles.

3. Dishes that can't go in the dishwasher
What do I look like to you, a 19th century pauper living on the streets of some hovel in a colony betwixt smallpox and consumption epidemics? NO. So if you can't survive the dishwasher, you failed  house-initiation and go right to the garbage, mister French Press Coffee Maker. Just saying.

4. Burning things onto nonstick pots

5. Glitchy streaming from my macbook to my apple tv
First netflix 'loading' and now this?! I can't even.

6. When I charge/sync my ipod and it doesn't actually do anything
What do you think I'm doing Ipod - connecting usb cords for my health? NO. I WANT TO HEAR MY SHITTY MUSIC AND I WANNA HEAR IT NOW I AINT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. How else am I going to overplay a song until I hate it in the car on the way to/from work!?! Moderation can go f*** itself, amirite?

7. Bugs in nature
I rented this expensive Air BnB cottage so I could get in touch with nature, not so it could get in touch with me. Get out my cottage, moths and get off my dogs, deer ticks.

8. My GI Tract's response to Indian Food
The world's most expensive laxative.
Like... I'm gonna keep buying it. I'm gonna keep eating it. And I'm gonna keep having to be single. I'm just saying.

9. When the Liquor Store discontinued my favorite low calorie low alcohol wine (Late Harvest, obvi)
I didn't want to get drunk OR fat. I wanted to look classy while binge watching Pretty Little Liars with several mixed flavors of kettle chips. What am I supposed to do now, settle for something heartburn-y like Skinnygirl red? ugh.

10. Buying a realistic artificial Christmas Tree
The only christmas tree I've ever owned since moving out of my parents' post high-school graduation was the christmas tree that a roommate left at my house one time like 10 years ago... and he got the tree from his parents... who got it from someone else and then like 40 years before i was born those original owners decided they were sick of this terrible tree so better give it away.

Last year I was putting it up (I even made a youtube video about it which I have since removed because nobody needs to see that) I accidentally stabbed myself on one of the metal pieces and bled and was concerned for a solid hour or two that I might need to get a Tetanus shot. Legit.

Long story short I decided after I moved out of Newfoundland that I would buy a new Christmas tree. But turns out Christmas trees are expensive AF (I thought mad like 125 bucks). Also, the more I thought about buying one the more lofty goals I made for my potential new tree such that now it needs to be at least 7 feet tall, totally real looking without being actually real (because Ezra eats trees...and candles...and pee pads...), already pre-lit with non-LED lights that are both coloured (for when I'm feeling festive) and all white (for when I'm feeling classy). Do you know how much a tree like that costs!? Like... a billion dollars. I can't even.

We're going to end up having to decorate a construction paper tree or something because I'm not made of money, Balsam Hill!!!

So now I have no christmas tree, because black friday only allows me to get 50% off trees and that just ain't enough when you want the same tree that the family's on that show The OC probably couldn't afford. Seriously, if i'm gonna spend that kind of money on a holiday that shit is going up for at LEAST 4 months.



Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Dog-Friendly Birthday Cake! (gluten free)

What is this witchcraft!? How do I eat fire, mom!? 

Welcome to the world's most delayed entry!
Indie's 3rd birthday was September.
To celebrate, I wasted way too much time creating a dog-friendly cake so that I could sing happy birthday to my critters while we all hung out on the floor and fought internal battles to refrain from inhaling too much peanut butter.

This is an actual safe food for dogs
there's lots of oil and such in it
so you might wanna not give them the whole thing. I know we all like to binge-out and eat a full cake every now n again (amirite) but you're the responsible adult in this situation and you can't just let other people eat themselves into some kind of horrible diarrhea-obesity-diabetes combo.

1/4 cup honey
2 tbsp coconut oil
1/2 cup coconut flour
1tsp baking powder
1/4 cup milk
1/2-1 cup blueberries
3 eggs
Peanut butter (for topping +/- dog biscuit, kibble, chicken pieces, cheese pieces, whatever)

1. Preheat Oven at 350 degrees F
2. Mix your eggs with a mixer for at least 1min (they should get bubbly and fluffy)
3. Add milk, oil, and honey - use mixer
4. Add in dry ingredients - use mixer
5. Add in blueberries (I used frozen but fresh is probably better re: moisture) - Hand stir them in (unless you're looking to shred your berries and make a blue cake, that's cool too!)
6. Pour equally into whatever mold you decide. You should have enough batter for 2 mini pie molds, but if you want more dog-friendly portions without needing to cut into slices, I'd recommend cupcake pan that is VERY WELL greased with either coconut oil or avocado oil (since those are the best oils for the dogs and higher burning point). I would not recommend using an actual 9" pie pan as this is a very dense mixture and takes forever to cook.
7. Bake for 30mins (may need to keep in longer depending on the size of pans and your oven). Most of the top should be browned but not burnt! If you find the outside is cooking too fast, bring temperature to 325). Note that the larger your pan, the lower the temperature and the longer you should keep it in the oven.
8. When done, leave to cool for 15-30min, then CAREFULLY remove from pans and place onto a papertowel and place the cake/papertowel onto a metal grate to allow air to get to the bottom of the cake (because it'll likely be kind of soggy sort of "bread pudding"-esque on the bottom and therefore harder to cut later).
9. When fully cooled, use peanut butter and your toppings as icing and decoration!

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Sephora VIB Rouge Appreciation Event!

This weekend was the first time in a year that I walked through Sephora's doors.

Sephora and I had broken up after quite an angry and hostile misunderstanding resulting in me swearing to never be taken in by their charms, bells and flashy whistles again.

But when I received an email to go to their VIB Rouge Appreciation event in which there were only about 100 tickets, the frantic elation that goes with frivolous beauty products took over my common sense and before I knew it I had RSVP'd.

I'm not sure if I'm very proud of myself for throwing down much more dollaz than I can afford on pointlessness, or if maybe I just don't care all that much because what am I, a woman with integrity?


VIB Rouge Appreciation Event 2016
Time: Saturday, 830am-10am
Location: Canada (which is on earth!)
Welcomed with a list your name had to be on or else gtfo, followed by coffee, water and biscotti!
...and no, I didn't wear any makeup to the event. I'm a rebel like that.
The lineup to get in (obviously we went like 20min early)
Free coffee! (Kat broke the machine the first time we went GOD GET IT TOGETHER)
Also free Biscotti but it was eaten before photographed
First time stepping foot in the store!
Sephora brand water wheee

The most beautiful palette and yet I didn't buy
... maybe someone will get it for me as a Christmas Present, friends?
The Selfie Bar

This makeup will look great in my cardboard box that I'll be living in so that I can pay the sephora bill!

The Purchases
Naked 2 - Urban Decay Basics Palette
Smashbox Full Exposure mascara
Anastasia Brow Wiz in Medium Brown
Tarte 2016 Pretty Paintbox Christmas Palette (early release)
Sephora eye primer
Fresh Birthday 2016 gift!
"Bag" thats "full" of samples
Bareminerals GEN Nude Matte Liquid Lipcolor in Friendship (Antique Rose)
Sephora Soft Press Mini Velour Puffs

Reviews and Pictures To Come!!!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Healthy Low-Calorie Fruit Explosion Muffins

I have had berries in my fridge for quite some time and I've been worried that they wouldn't get eaten by me in the near future, so I tried to make blueberry muffins with a recipe I found online. Unfortunately I had added all the liquids together in this recipe before I realized that I put all the quantities in wrong and forgot to add the oils required. What the hell, I know. Anyway after that I figured F*** IT LETS DO IT LIVE so I just improved the rest of the ingredients and recipe.
I figured that the muffins would be a total bust, but when I tried one I discovered that they were probably the best thing I've ever invented!!!!

Having recently moved, I don't have much of anything in the way of baking supplies. For that reason, these muffins aren't keto friendly, and they aren't high in fibre... but they are high in awesome taste and low in calories...that counts for something, right?

Scroll onward for the recipe! :) :) :)

Ingredients (Makes 12 muffins - 125 calories per muffin)
1/2 cup Splenda Brown Sugar Blend
1 Large egg
1 1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup Wheat Germ (raw)
1/2 cup nonfat plain greek yogurt (I used 0% fat Oikos because, really is there any other kind of plain greek yogurt?)
1/4-1/2 cup water
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp Vanilla extract
1/4 cup milk creamer(?) + 1/4 cup water
3/4 cup blueberries (fresh)
1/4 cup strawberries (3 small strawberries cut up into little chunks)
1/2 tsp jam for each muffin (total ~ 2 tbsp) - I used double the fruit strawberry with no added sugar

- Preheat oven to 425 F degrees. Fill 12 muffin tins +/- paper muffin things. Spray/grease them well!
- In a large bowl, mix milk/creamer + 1/4 cup water, sugar, yogurt, and vanilla until there are no clumps
- Add flour, wheat germ, and salt to mixture. Add water (1/4 - 1/2 cup) until mixture is smooth, creamy but easy to stir. Do not add berries!
- Add baking powder.
- Using a tablespoon, fill each muffin tin just enough to cover the base of the tin (about 1 large tbsp) with batter (does not contain berries)
- Put in oven for 3-5 minutes just until the dough looks as though its starting to bake enough to handle jam on it without collapsing
- With remaining batter, add berries and mix just enough to have things stirred evenly. Don't overmix!
- Take muffin tin out of oven. Add ~1/2 tsp of jam to each muffin tin.
- Evenly distribute the rest of the muffin batter (now containing berries) in the 12 muffin tins.
- Decrease heat to 375 degrees then put muffins back in oven.
- Cook for 20-30 minutes depending on your oven. There is a lot of moisture going on inside the muffins so they will take extra time BUT you want to ensure the bottoms are not burning.
- Take out. Leave for a couple of minutes to cool then enjoy!!! SO GOOD WARM